There are a few times during the year where it’s socially acceptable to drink heavily: St. Patrick’s Day, Superbowl Sunday, Cinco de Mayo, the 4th of July, Halloween, Mardi Gras, and then virtually the entire time between the Wednesday before Thanksgiving through New Year’s.
Now that we’re into December, the holidays are in full effect, and ‘tis the season to be drunk. Over the next few weeks—between family parties, company parties, and party parties—you’ll no doubt encounter some people who religiously go above and beyond with the holiday spirits.
To help you out, we thought we’d put together a list of some of the worst kind, and share some tips on what to do if you encounter them.
1. The Forever Aloner
Favorite quote: “I hope there’s cyanide in these gingerbread cookies”
Contrast to the Happy Fucking Holidays-er, the Forever Aloner hates all holidays. After a few apple martinis, reality starts to sink in for these drunks and their misery can ruin an entire party.
How to handle them: Pat them on the shoulder and remind them a whole new year is right around the corner. Don’t hug, though. That will just make it worse.
2. The Happy-Fucking-Holidays-er
Favorite quote: "Whoa, whoa, I was told there would be booze at this party"
Usually wearing an ugly sweater in an effort to justify the fact that they’re acting like a total ass, these are a special breed of drunks who thrive off the energy from Christmas tree lights.
How to handle them: Duck out of their headlock and replace your body with another glass of spiked eggnog. They won’t even notice you gave them the slip.
3. The Caroler
Favorite quote: “Hey, pull up the instrumental to Frosty the Snowman”
Lots of people sing songs like “Don’t Stop Believing” when they get plastered. Although that’s enough to make your ears explode, it’s nothing compared to the drunks who wait the entire year to sing “Joy to the World.”
How to handle them: If this drunk approaches you in song, treat them like the T-Rex in Jurassic Park. They might get very close to you, but if you stand perfectly still they’ll move on.
4. The Giver
Favorite quote: "I found these old trinkets in my basement”
No, not like the book. While an enterprising individual might wait for Spring to have a yard sale, this drunk just thrusts their newspaper-wrapped crap upon you mid-party.
How to handle them: Find a place to stash their refuse in the host’s house (unless you’re the host)—under the kitchen sink works well.
5. The Handsy Harry
Favorite quote: “Who wants to sit on Santa’s Lap?”
These drunks put their hands on you like you’re a chunk of meat in desperate need of some dry rub. If you’re not careful, you could easily find yourself taking the naughty or nice quiz from their lap.
How to handle them: Whether you like it or not, they’re coming for you. If you haven’t already, start practicing your jukes, spins, and swim moves as soon as you’re done reading this.
6. The Lazy Susan
Favorite quote: “Umm, I can’t tell you the recipe, it’s a family secret”
These drunks are certain nobody will catch them in the act of trying to pass grocery-store-bought cookies for “homemade” ones. They were planning on baking…but they got drunk.
How to handle them: Screw it. Who ever said no to free cookies?
7. The Toasted Toaster
Favorite quote: “Here’s to Mrs. Claus’ sweet rack”
Despite mysteriously not getting an invite, these flask-wielding drunks seem to always show up. They take the reindeer by the horns, raising their glass to just about everyone and everything in sight—even your boss’s wife.
How to handle them: During their next toast, make sure to clink their glass just hard enough to break it. A spilled glass of champagne is a small price to pay for becoming a holiday hero.
8. Mr./Mrs. Mistletoe
Favorite quote: "Interesting seeing you here, under this twig I'm holding over your head"
These drunks can’t wait until Thanksgiving’s over, so they can break out the old mistletoe. They’re prepared to give the whole party mono in the name of the holidays.
How to handle them: If you’re at a party with a Handsy Harry, lock them in the bathroom together. If they are the Handsy Harry, run!
9. The Random-Bonus Boss
Favorite quote: "Fuck it, you all get bonuses this year—except you John, you're a dick"
Not such a bad one to encounter, these drunks will wait until they’re ten deep to change their mind about the company’s austerity measures this year. Just be sure you’re in the room when this snap-decision is made, otherwise you’ll be at your desk while your co-workers drink Captain’s in Cabo.
How to handle them: We’re not saying to feed them excessive amounts of congratulatory shots on a year well done, but we’re not saying not to either.
10. The Shitty Santa
Favorite quote: "Well, this costume's a bust—who wants to photocopy Santa's drunk ass?"
These drunks think they’re going to be the only Santa at the party, so they put zero effort into their costume. After being shamed by someone else’s getup, they have no choice but to drink hard.
How to handle them: Remind them of the sacrifice Santa Claus made, so they could be here today wearing that suit. Oh wait, that’s a different historical figure.
11. The Retailer
Favorite quote: “Stupid holidays—hey, did I tell you we're having a friends and family sale?”
These drunks will show up to your party at 1:00a.m. after staging an Abercrombie store for its holiday sale. By 1:08a.m., they’ll be drunk and ranting about how much the holidays suck.
How to handle them: Ask them how stores are able to fold button-down shirts so well, and then pawn the conversation off on the nearest Forever Aloner.
12. The Sleeping Santa
Favorite quote: “Ho-Ho-Hold Santa up while he pours another mulled cider"
This one speaks for itself. There will always be those drunks who show up to the party already drunk, and before you know it they’re passed out in a corner after they hit the booze table.
How to handle them: Grab a sharpie.
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